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I’ve been pushed again. Had to bring it back to the keyboards. So let me just put it all out there in the beginning. Straight no chasers. I am a single, Black woman, over 30 with no children. I can hear the collective gasps through my computer screen. Now come the assumptions. Then comes the questions and accusations. Somebody is reading this and thinking they wish they could hook me up with their cousin Junebug. Oh I know. I know it all too well because I’ve been updating this same blog for several years now. There went another assumption. Yup. I telepathically read your mind. But here’s the funny part. We get pumped with all this propaganda and statistics about how most Black women will remain single. If I had a 27 cent for every time somebody says most Black men are in prison, dead, juggling women/baby’s mamas or with white women I’m certain I could treat myself to something very nice. But if y’all believe that hype why are you so mesmerized and at times judgmental at the sight of us single ladies? Can we live?
I would like to remind folks that people are living longer
and a significant amount are settling down later in life. I can’t say whether
that is by choice or by circumstance but it’s happening. There are even
statistics to back those claims but they aren’t nearly as interesting as the
“Dear Black Women You Are Destined for Doom” proclamations. I mean the doom
stats seem to spark desperation,mass
incidents of cloudy judgment/settling and
a dating terrain that tips heavily in the favor of one gender. Dang, who really
started those stats? Anyway, I would also like to remind folks that you really
can’t measure other peoples’ lives against your life’s timeline. You met your
ride or die love in college or at the Starbucks next to your first real job and
your lives have been intertwined ever since. Well if both parties are
respected, fulfilled and happy then that is beautiful. But again, that’s your
life’s turn of events. Everybody isn’t meant to meet that person at 20
something. If they don’t it doesn’t mean that they are doomed. It doesn’t mean
they are unhappy. It just means that’s not how it played out for them. Mind you
I’m speaking of people who are positive and living their lives to the fullest.
Yes, you can do that without being part of a couple.
Remember how you and your love met? There was chemistry
right? Common interests? The proper circumstances? Mental and physical
attraction? Yeeeah, now you remember. Well, have you thought that the single
folks just may not have encountered that yet? I mean all you people who just
can’t grasp our single and happy life, would you be more satisfied if we were
moping around? I’ve had to ask loved ones this. “Mother, would you like it
better if I was depressed?” That made her calm down—kinda. Lol. I mean other
peoples’ attitudes toward single women is what always leads me back to this
topic. No offense to anyone’s situation or journey but it is mind boggling to
me that if I had five children with six different men I would probably not be
the cause of such confusion. It seems nobody appreciates you planning your
life, not settling and enjoying it as it comes. Even Uncle Sam enforces harsh
penalties for such behaviors. Le Sigh.
But on a more serious note, there may be quite a few
circumstances that have caused this single Black woman “epidemic”. Let me also
add that I know quite a few single Black men—who don’t want to be. There seems
to be a lot of distrust, a lack of value for each other and a serious
break-down in communication. There are a lot of hurt sisters and brothers
walking around and too many of us claim to have not seen a living example of a
positive, loving, reciprocating and committed Black relationship beyond Cliff
and Claire, Florida and James and George and Weezy. For brevity’s sake I will
not go into how I believe that came to be. That’s a whole ‘nother blog but the
point is there may be some valid cause for concern at the totality of the
situation but please don’t take it out on the individuals.
So now that I’ve given you some insight into this phenomenon
of the single Black woman over 30; let me offer you some advice on what you
should and should not do when you encounter one of us.
Do NOT
Ask what is wrong with us.
Act sympathetic. (Why???)
Express how you’re glad you’re not one of us. (I mean is it ok
to tell an overweight person you’re glad you’re slim?)
Offer to hook us up (especially when you don’t even know us
for real)
Assume we are too independent. (Expect a full blog about
this in the future)
Assume we hate men (I love Black men)
Assume we are gay (really?)
Assume we screwed all our relationships up (We may be the
one who was smart enough to get away)
Suggest online dating (Blackpeoplemeet.com I need that in my
life huh?)
Tell us our biological clock is ticking. (Do you really
think I can’t hear my own clock cuh? And why you over here ear hustling
anyway?)
Tell us we are not real women if we don’t have children or
are not in a relationship. (Yikes! Sensitivity 101 course perhaps?)
Ask if we are mean (way to take a smile right on off a Sister’s
face)
DO
Remember we don’t bite. (Unless you’re lucky)
Respect our journey.(R-E-S-P-E-C-T)
Be strong enough to handle the company of a woman who has
probably made some concise choices about what she will and will not accept in
her life.(C’mon. You can do it.)
Enjoy a lady who knows how to take charge of her life’s
fulfillment on her own.
Keep calm.
Relax and know that your single loved ones will eventually
have their time with love if they so choose.
Ok mate. I have given you the proper insight and
instructions on how to handle this creature (in my best Crocodile Hunter
voice). I now bid you well in all your future dealings with them. They are an
interesting and varied breed who are not all to be painted with one broad
stroke. Like me, I know today I felt lime green. Tomorrow I might be electric
orange. I’m very comfortable with that. Are you?
