LIFE

The older I get the less judgmental I become. It’s still hard for me to wrap my head around the harm people do to others but I do have a better understanding. LIFE. Life is interesting to say the least. It is complicated. Yet it can be very simple at times. It is intricate, fragile, tough and cumulative yet we are given the ability to start anew—somewhat. It’s riddled with unfairness but sometimes the good guys win and karma reigns supreme. We experience some of the most exuberant highs muddled in with some soul-jarring lows. Many of us maneuver between the highs and lows on cruise-control. Is cruise-control good or bad? I mean it can assure that we won’t receive any citations. It’s safe. It may even be the more sensible mode of operation. But, it does not allow us to FEEL. That feeling when you push beyond the limit that society, family, friends or maybe even you imposed upon yourself. That feeling of control when it is your own foot on the gas maneuvering the 2 ton vehicle that is taking you to your next destination. Me, I drive a 5 speed and I put the pedal to the medal bruh. However, that doesn’t always transfer over to my LIFE. I guess it can’t at all times but I think it should happen more often than it does. But then life involves FEAR. You know that learned behavior that causes you to remain in cruise-control. Fear caused by past hurts and 

disappointments, lack of reciprocity, promises broken, people taken from you, loves lost, mistakes you made, people you hurt, situations in which you wish you had the ability to push a re-do button.  That hodgepodge of stuff is tucked away in our minds and it makes us afraid to FEEL. So we pick our poison that helps us cope or we continue to move at a safe and controlled pace OR we try to figure out how to really LIVE. We dare to actually drive this shiny little b*tch called Life.

Oh but the thoughts, the mistakes, the transgressions, the circumstances that were beyond our control; they don’t go away. We can only change how we view them and how we they make us FEEL and react.

ACCEPTANCE was difficult for me. I am a fighter.  I am a thinker. I am an analyzer (oftentimes to my detriment). I play fair and I felt people should respect that and reciprocate. But it won’t happen like that. Not always. But when it does, those are the people I hold nearest and dearest. As for the rest of the world, I accepted that the only thing I should expect is respect. You may be wondering why it took me so long to figure that one out. Well, everyone comes into various life lessons at different times. I am grateful for the understanding while I am still able to apply it. See, I was fortunate enough to have grown up within a family that played fair. You know, those good ole “Christian” values. “Do unto others as you would have them do unto you…” But many didn’t. Many don’t know how to play fair because they never experienced LIFE that way.  Realizing that helped me to not get so disappointed or take things personally. Accepting that life is not fair for me or for anyone, has truly freed up a lot of space in my heart and mind.

BALANCE is the challenge. Knowing when to speed up. Knowing when to slow down. Figuring out how to give of yourself but to not allow yourself to feel depleted. How to protect yourself from the wounded ones without shutting down. How to accept that you are wounded but you can heal if you want to. How to feel emotions but not be consumed by them. How to accept mistakes but not become comfortable within them. How to give and receive love. How to trust. How to be trustworthy. How to pursue happiness.  How to accept life’s lessons but still be able to FEEL life’s blessings. These feelings are what we run away from. I’ve seen so many shut down. I’ve seen hardcore protective shells. I understand it. It’s a defense mechanism. We all have one to some extent. But what is your life’s goal?

Mine is to be as FREE as possible.  Free of those thoughts that try to rob us of our joy. Free of the doubts. Free of the desire to make sure I am understood. Free of society’s imposed ideas of what I should believe. Free to do what makes me happy. Free to love. Free to laugh. Free to dance(off-beat). Free to know I may not get it right the first time. Free to do my best towards myself and humanity. Free to find a quiet space when I need to. Free to see the humor, irony and beauty of it all. Free to smile at the “What the hell was I thinkin’ moments” but to never repeat them again! Free to continue to explore myself and push myself to the limits. Free to turn off cruise control and unapologetically LIVE and be ME.  So far it seems I fall in love with myself even more after the trials…

I mean it’s complicated as hell but I think we make it a lot harder than it has to be. #LIFE

*Singing—Oh life, life is what you make it, so come here my dear…