It's Definitely The Black Woman's Fault

I have a friend named Danny. He recently got divorced and is in the middle of an intense custody battle for his twin boys. Danny is hard-working. Honestly, I don’t know what kind of husband he was but I do know he is a dedicated father. I know he is hurting as a result of the distance between himself and his sons and I also know he has developed a scathing resentment towards ALL Black women…

I had to stop communicating with Danny for a while because almost every conversation or text was filled with “See, the problem is that the Black woman doesn’t…” or “The Black woman always…” or the Black woman never…” I mean if it got cold outside “The Black woman” caused it. If I tried to make Danny see that he was doing some serious generalizing and that he was being extremely unfair he would dismiss it as me being insensitive to the plight of the Black man. I was 

insensitive despite the numerous conversations we had about the great job he does with his boys and the times I listened wholeheartedly to the most unfortunate developments between him and his ex-wife. I began to feel his tunnel-vision was bringing me down and I knew it was doing him no good either. So, I stopped answering phone calls and responding to texts.

Don’t get me wrong. I feel for Danny. I hate this is happening to him or anyone. I take no delight in seeing marriages dissolve and I definitely don’t enjoy seeing children get caught in the middle. But I cannot operate in the “Black women/men are no good” zone and this had been going on for quite a while. We probably all know a Danny or Danielle. We may have even been one at some point in our lives. But what happens when we become one of these people for an extended period of time? What happens when we allow our current reality to dictate how we view the world and everyone around us? It can become toxic and dangerous.

The reality is that both men and women can do hurtful things to each other in relationships. I’ve had some Black men do some low-down things to me and I’ve had some Black men reinforce why I think they are the only option for me. If I allowed the bad ones to control my perception of men then I would not be able to have healthy relationships with the opposite sex on any level because I would view all of them as a replica of the bad ones. There is danger in being stuck. It stunts growth. It disallows us to experience new things. It prohibits joy and it blocks clarity.

Being a Danny or Danielle is not just limited to experiences with the opposite sex. Danny-ism could be in relation to making new friends and opening up to people. “Everybody is going to screw me over anyway.” So I trust no one. It could be on starting a new career. “Nobody is going to hire me because they already know who they want”. We can talk ourselves out of so many blessings and fulfilling

experiences. My friend Danny could meet a wonderful woman but right now his pain would cause him to just dismiss her as Satan with a bangin’ twist out. So how do we get unstuck? Well, we have to own up to the part we played in the situation we can’t seem to let go of. Did we act hastily? Did we ignore signs? Was our intuition screaming “NOOOOOOO!” while our eyes and “special places” were screaming “HELL YEAH?” Were we trying to fill a void? Did we do something wrong too? Did we send a half-@$$ resume? Was it actually that they just didn’t want someone who turned in a half-@$$ essay???? I know when I feel I’ve been done wrong once I own up to my part, I start to feel better. There is no triumph in an extended state of "victimhood." We figure out the part we played and we make better choices in the future. Finally, if it is a person who has done us wrong we have to understand that not all people are that person. C’mon, what a dull world this would be if they were and out of ALL the people and personality types in the world, if we continue to run into different versions of the same then we have to look at self again and ask why.

So, Danny texted me the other night, “No response?” Some hours later, I explained why there was no response(again) but much more sternly this time. He hit me back the next day and said he needed that and would work on it. I understand it will be a process because I respect the pain of the situation he is going through. But when he says or texts an anti-Black woman sentiment I reply with “Here we go. Cue the woe is me violins.” He is only allowed to speak to me about what is actually happening to him and his ex-wife is not allowed to represent me or any other Black woman. As a friend, I can handle that. So, I’m wishing clarity and healing will begin to be a reality for my friend Danny and anyone else who is stuck in the pain of their current or past situation. I know those things can take time but please don’t let one or two bad ones make you hate all Black men. There are some nice assorted chocolates floating around here. Please don’t let one back-stabber make you think you cannot have a good friendship and don’t let a few closed doors make you believe there is nothing waiting for you on the other side. There are always going to be times when you go through it. Victory or defeat is determined by how you come out of it.

Peace and yes, I look in my own mirror quite often.